To Do?

She sits from above upon a cloud of woven gold.  Her hair dark as a storm bristles as a tempest storm.  Her eyes of steam coal dart back and forth upon the sight she beholds and she rumbles with anger upon the golden cloud.

From beneath  her thrown humanity sits with black covered glasses.  What is the meaning of Good?
"To do good "is such a blanketed statement.  As we idly sit back and go through Life numb to feelings of others.  To not say or do anything that may cause us discomfort in itself must be a sin.  Perhaps it may sound to harsh?  However, she has been pondering this human race of on lookers and those that wear blinders upon their beautifully curved noses.  What is it to be good?  Is it to turn the other way or as it is said "to turn the other cheek?". 

As the young woman parks her car in the Handicapped section of the parking lot she notices bright orange cones being placed behind her red chariot.  To her dismay she wonders what is wrong.  Her disabled sign is visible in its bright blue beam upon the chariot.   A gentleman approaches her red chariot and states that she cannot park in this area.  Surprised, she tells him that she is disabled and needs park close to the building to pick up her 10 year child from school.  He apologizes and says that since those without disabled plates park in those sections they cannot police the area.  She courteously explains that is not her concern.  He states that since they cannot control those who park there that they cannot be responsible for those sections, so therefore, they were going to block off the section so no one could park there.  The young woman did not argue the case but shied away excepting and understanding the mans plight.  The next day the young woman used her walker with the support of her older son and walked to pick up her son.  Several blocks away she finally makes it to the school and realized that the handicapped spots were taken.  Upon seeing this she searched for the individual whom had spoken to her.  She spotted him and summoned up the courage to confront the individual.  She strolled over  and apologized for the confrontation before hand.  After, a long civil discussion the man apologized that he had miss spoken his words.  Was he being Good ?  Should he at first looked with empathy at those the require to park in those select few handicapped spots?  Should he have bothered to remove those with no handicapped plates, so those who require them be able to use them?  Should she had been put under pressure to walk that walk? Should she had been put on the spot to speak about her disability and why she required her rightful spot?

To do good?  Does that mean to idly sit by and allow things to occur knowing that there are those in need.  To believe that if one turns the other cheek that all is good or perhaps not to defend ones human rights for those that are need. To be good is not just to stand by allow things to occur without a second thought.  It is not to turn a blind eye to another human being.  We are brothers and sisters and must respect one another as such.

The young women  readied herself and proceeded to school gym where open house was being held.  Realizing that there was only handful of chairs to sit in and all where taken she slowly weaved her way in and out of the standing room only towards the back of the gym.  With the support of her husband he gently lowered her to the hard gym floor to sit.  Eyes poured over as her posture began to falter.  Yet, no one came to her help.  No chair offered just a lot of  stares.  The young women lowered her head and continued to listen to the program.  Her husband not knowing what to do tried to support her emotionally and physically.  After, around 20 minutes an individual came to her rescue and obtained a chair from the janitorial closet.  The stranger helped my husband and myself in a time of need and I thank him.  To do good.  How many individuals does it take to show compassion?  How many can turn the other cheek?  A human life style of the me syndrome. To turn a blind eye once again.  To do good, what does that mean?

She sits upon the golden cloud and rose upon her feet.  No longer would she sit idly by observing. To do good one must take a stand and a stand she would take.

Look Within

She sat among the mossy spirals entwined between her thin long legs.  Her skin pale among the rich green carpet.  Her nude innocence laid among the soft pillows of golden light.  Eyes so deep as ebony, hair as dark as night and lips so red as cherries.  She laid there within her light.  Come to me he called the man with a thousand Brights, his song so merry and full of delight.  Her eyes remained deep among her crown of dark, no song so strong could lure her in.  His Brights sparkled with fierceness, his song not as sweet for all he longed for was a quick peek.  Her innocence laid firm among the earth, lovingly did she dwell among the mist.  The man with a thousand Brights continued to glare and glow, no answer to his growing weep.  "Rise" he boomed, to behold such beauty to feel such ecstasy, "Give me a view".  Her eyes dead to him didn't even give him a blink.  Swirls and whirls of greenery encompassed her every being, no longer born in paleness for him to seek.  His anger surfaced among the Blue sending vibrations all the way through.  In his anger he did not see the pale young thing was now a tree.  Her long thin legs grounded and strong, held her innocence covered and tall.  Her long thin arms pulled towards the skies, her fingers splayed had grown green and such a sight.  Her lips red as cherries bloomed just like berries.

The Book

Through the blur she sailed becoming one with the surrounding Silk.  All beauty she beheld through wondrous eyes.  Her diamond armor shimmered in the blur of golden light.  Her limbs now transformed melted away into one with the showering waves. 

The Silk warmed beneath the Sun God wavered a loving smile.  He rocked softly lapping the shore with his caress.  His loving fingers wet and warm reach the surface of lands dear homes.  He laid his love upon the grass with kindness which had been passed.  Upon his fingers did he feel the pain of words which  could not be healed.  His fingers splayed from this ordeal began to wither here.  A sour taste rose within him for words of ignorance which came to pass.  For those that judge in Gods true light, that wield the Book in their own delight, He forgave us all with his own red blood.  We all belong, who are we to judge. Let the Maker sort things out.  Hold your tongues for those that hate, spread the Love with a kiss of Faith.

His fingers wet and warm retreated back to their home.  His lapping waves reached shore no more.

With breath that could not be taken she dove deeply and descended.  All received her with open glees, hearts that rang out through the sea.

 

Caress

Ever so softly she glided upon the lake, her white sleeves dimpled with droplets which covered her with glee.  Quietly, gently she uncurled her neck for all to see.  The Sun God kissed her lashes ever so briefly.  She stretched and fluttered not very gracefully as she did so they giggled feverishly.  The droplets swirled, expanded and jiggled making her very dizzy.  Tingling kisses began to nimble at her beautiful webbed feet.  Sensations of strangeness overcame her identity.  She lunged her beautiful long neck into the silk creating ripples in time.  To her wonder and surprise these things were alive.  Her heart sang with joy to see such creatures with enormous eyes.  They glistened and shined underneath such a blur, with such possibilities for a new world of hope.  They tugged and pulled and before long she was gone.

Her body slim and long, no longer soft and fluffy all signs of the Moon God had dissipated.  Her body covered in diamonds played with light of the Sun.  What colors behold, an array of majestic rainbows danced in the folds of the green type grass.  Replaced  her white sleeves by flowing fins which waved like a flag.  The silk so loving, so warm caressed her every move, so fluid she felt as one with a dream.  Her eyes so glassy and wide what a world to see. 

The silk sang a song of warmth of need to be one.  She flowed with the one till her body became free.  Ecstasy she found, she sang to the dimples for all the creatures to see.  She wiggled, she swayed she swam free to the sea.  Such power in motion from just one caress can you see.  She swam for miles her skin so alive happy to send her energy to those with no power.

Gentle

She speaks to me with a voice of harps at a glow.  Its soft subtle melody showering me with silver coins.  Kindness and understanding is all she seeks, yet no one can see.  Blinded are those with booming loudness.  Her tranquil thoughts may not always prevail against the rain of harshness.  Those may consider her harps as a sign of weakness.  Torment to be heard turns to sadness  which can never be displayed.  The Boomers raise their voice so thunderous to only display arrogance.

Her flight continues in the silver Heavens with every stroke a moments passing.  Her beauty travels through out all the madness.  Rays of white does her lovely feathers leave for all to see in the morning light. 

With diamonds playing in the evening light she glances down heading for a moments dive.  With fingers tickling at her powder fluff she lands upon the pool of lights.  Dimples cry out with glee for she has landed so gracefully.  She tucks her gentle head in and listens to the singing weeds.

For those that seek, one need not be big and strong, nor we need to be high in stature.  A gentle heart only seeks communion with all.

Transgressions

Her graceful legs landed on the clearing with precise placement.  Her long graceful neck tilted upwards towards her Moon God.  She wiggled her perfect ears and relaxed her stance.  Gently her lush eyelashes swept upwards exposing her beautiful brown eyes.  The silver thread from the Moon played against her caramel coat.  She quivered in the evening dew, sighing her legs gently buckled bringing her to the nestled blades.  Oh so carefully she laid her head upon the earth where slumber greeted her peacefully.

She dreamt of dreams long past, confusion in the mist.  Turmoil, chaos, and guilt.  Snake like tendrils wrapped themselves around her, slowly suffocating her inner soul.  Her heart beat wildly trying to pull away from the horrible tendrils that traveled in a fluid consistency.  "Run" she heard it say.  "Run."  Within her dream state she rose to her true form and clawed her way out and ran. "Yes" it hissed taunting her.  As she ran swirls of mist engulfed her every route to escape the thing from within.  Her fist sized heart beat hard against her chest taking her breath away.  She took her slender arms and reached upwards towards her short cropped hair.  Dark black eyeliner streaked down her pale face.  "RUN!" Came the voice no longer hissing.  But, then it came.  Time stood still, no longer did tears sting her flesh.  No, no longer did her heart beat violently trying to escape. No.  She stood upon the darkened earth and with one breath she stilled herself.  Waves of emotion caressed her warm naked self.  She knew then.  She wrapped her arms around the mist and breathed them in, they where hers' after all.  As they became one the light broke through the dark and opened the gates of sand.

Her limbs gave way, no longer where they flesh, velvet or caramel fur.  Her arms became engulfed with beautiful white sleeves, her legs awkward on land became webbed and wonderful.  Her neck narrow, elegant curved in a perfect ring.  Her head so different, so pretty, so dainty, was not to be out shined by any other.  She received the call of the Heavens and took flight to the Moon and kissed him so sweetly upon his lips.

Only you can forgive your own transgressions.  Take hold of them, embrace them.  Freedom is the truth.

Words That Blunder

Within the dampened earth I slumber, the scent of life fills my nose with wonder.  Comfort comes to me from within where no one else can see.  My brown eyes give way and stare into epic darkness of my domain.  My Goodluckers soft as fine feathers brush away the sand of Father Time and I am awakened.  My long proud ears swivel to the evenings calls, I am there.  Within a moments pause my petite wet nose begins to tingle, oh the joy to be filled with a million senses.  My tiny heart fills with excitement the lure of the Moon God beckons to me.  Stretch your powerful legs, feel the earth between your paws, go greet the winds of tomorrow for you are free.  My velvet self gently pokes her tiny glistening nose out of her beloved home and she is free.  She feels the pull of the dance in the mid-night air, before long the adrenaline in her veins pump frantically and she is gone.

She sits beneath the window and kisses the singing blades her mind is calm, stress free.  She feels the comfort of the planted Sunny Faces, she lays between their swaying graces.  Until, it came the odd voices of those from within.  Her thin elegant ears swiveled here and there not really knowing what to do.  Her velvet plush tensed upon her making her smaller in size.  The voices.  Tension, nervous, anger and then it came.  The night air bristled and sparked and her tiny heart missed a couple sweet beats.  The voices raised with booming clutter, the music of splendor stolen by those inside.  No longer the Sunny Faces swayed with contentment, the sweet blades wilted in sadness.  The ugly voices twisted and scared, the love, compassion all wasted away by noises that blunder. 

The Fairies singing pierced her heart a time to react, not to falter.  Rise up.  What are words if not man made.  Raging emotions which spiral out control.  Words.  Just words, they cannot harm you, be strong.  Be better, forgive and continue on.  Sing, whisper the word of love, not words of blunder.  Sing until you find your song and your whisper has become an opera of incredible power.  Thunderous music which fills the Wind to caress the trees, leaves that will glide into the springs which will carry its singing.  Spread the Word, not the blunder.  As her passion sang to the earth, her legs sprouted upwards toward the Heavens. Long thin and graceful for all to see.  Her body broad, lean and muscular, her velvet now smooth, sleek and rough.  Her head swirled, the stars all laughed with glee look up at me.  Her nose no longer petite as could be.  Wet was the black thing shiny, large no longer a twitchy funny thing.  Her eyes large, beautiful, caring, deep and loving swept upwards carefully.  Her long eyelashes sparkled with the glow of the Moon God.  Amazingly she felt tall, she lowered her beautiful long neck.  The little lights all joyous sung out, her ears not so tall any longer but perfectly created stood at attention.  The voices no longer blundered but became still in the air as they looked upon the beauty that stood ever so clear.  Frozen, blinded by the light, her glossy nose breathed in the smell of the voices, no longer did they thunder.  Her heart beat rapidly, excitement grew once again the Fairies danced around her head.  Then with one big thrust she sprang forward leaping in the night.  Her white bloom of fluff bouncing in the silver light.  The voices laughed with wonder as she bucked, jumped and played.

Words of blunder no more.  Words are only words, but, LOVE is a very different story.  Let us blunder no more, but if we do remember the blooming fluff bouncing in the silver night.

To be inspired. . . to drink from the flowing springs.  To walk above the gentlest blades of dew kissed grass.  To feel the wind speaking to the trees.  To have my almond brown eyes sting from the harsh glow of the burning Sun God.  My nose flares with the touch of sweetness from the honeysuckles in the damp summer night. To have my pale skin glisten in  the light of our moon.   My eyes close ever so slowly and I am one with her. 

The tingling in my nose begins to twitch, how funny it should feel to have ones nose twitch.  My ears begin to swivel amplifying the singing of the luscious black crickets in the weeds.  My skin which is covered in such plush velvety fur has become sleek at the sound of the endless crying at a distance.  I open my doe like eyes and see the beauty of the Moon God.  Oh what splendor, what gifts has he bestowed upon the human children.  Such innocence which we easily throw away.  Take hold of the beauty, look deeply within the earth.  My heart begins to flutter quickly with the flicker of the Fairies wings.  They flicker here and there between the Glories of the night and my excitement grows within me to run free.  With the flickering of my tiny heart I spring forward with such immense power.  I glide through the air his fingers running through my velvet self.  The music flows with electricity through my body as my powerful Goodlucks fall upon the blades.  I leap up in the air and feel as if I have kissed the Moon its self.  I have been freed.  I  leap and dance with the fairies of the night. I kick, leap and jolt myself through the forest I am free.  I hear the laughter in me.  Just be.  Why walk when one can run. 

Arm,Hip, and Legs Are Gifts Given To You

I woke up this morning to an incredible pain going down from my lower hips to my pelvic area and down my right leg.  My mind not all together there wondered what is this?  I stirred for while wondering if I was caught in some kind of dream, until I realized I was awake.  I pulled myself out of bed and looked at my partner laying beside my warm sheets.  I stared at him through wet puffy eyes, I wanted to wake him to let him know that I was hurting, within one split second I changed my mind.  Why disturb him?  Pain nothing new there.  It's a moment of weakness, to want to be cuddled.  I gently slip down off my bed feeling as if my pelvic area and right leg where going to burst into flames.  I slip downstairs and head for my refuge and nice cup of hot coffee.  I battle the urge to go sit and complete my task.  I take a deep sigh and walk back upstairs.  My mother who I live with for now begins to talk to me oblivious of my condition, I continue towards the stairs gripping the railing with the only thought of my soft cozy chair.  I guide myself through the hallway and see my prize I head towards her and slump into it's arms.  God help me.  I think to myself and I thank him.  He has helped me I am here.  I made it out of bed and into the arms of my soft retreat.  You say this isn't much?  I have a different opinion. My Lord has always been there.  Yes, it's true.  I go back in mind and recall the moment when I first met him, met my Father.  I lay my head back against the soft plush comfort of prize and melt away into that moment in time.  I was going through a stressful time period in my life. To put it short and sweet my life has not been easy.  I've been a soul that has made mistakes as well as someone who gives to much of themselves.  So be as it may it is what it is.  I remember or shall I say feel, smell and see my memory.  My body felt so light as I pulled away from the shell that lay in comfort between the sheets of the bed.  I looked down and could see my lover laying still asleep.  I began floating upwards ever so softly having the sense or perhaps the feel that I was wearing a soft, white flowing gown of some type.  I could feel it around my legs as I glided upwards towards a parting in the sky or should I say the heavens.  I can only describe the heavens or the beginning of Heaven as the moment when a thunderstorm is about to begin and there is a break of light within the immense darkness that forms a peek hole of sorts that looks like a beginning of a tunnel.  I know you probably think its so cliché.  But, remember one thing I have nothing to gain from this.  I am willing to take ridicule and put myself  out there.  That I write the truth is what matters and only that.  Remember, when I came back to my blog I had written I brought the best parts of me to the present.  Which means, well take it as you think.  Let me go on.  I felt guided   towards the white tunnel, no that's not right it was more like a whitish bluish piercing light that radiated and brought me inward.  As I glided inward into the light there were people to the right and the left of me.  I could see and at the same time I could feel them, some kind of energy warmth.  Although I could see my vision was as if seeing through a bluish white light, almost dreamy like, as if in soft fog, cloud.  Words can't explain it or feel it.  Wait.  Word.  I have just awaken out of thought.  Someone mentioned "The Word" a title of a movie to me. Is it coincidence that I am writing this today?  I'll ponder this later.  Let's go back.  I felt fingers touching me, moving me along the tunnel.  I was searching out for faces, faces of those past someone I would recognize I knew where I was.  The light warmed my body, my flowing gown.  No one was there.  I proceeded in the light and asked within my  mind "where is my grandmother?" no one answered.  Once again I called out and this time a voice came to me.  The Voice, deep, clear and strong.  Then I knew, it was my God.  I searched for his face but not see one.  I felt his voice, his warmth, his strength all around me.  I was so calm, safe, warm wanting to be with him.  Words not good enough.  I felt light, content, peaceful.  He told me that it was not time, I should not be there.  I asked him why was no  one hear to greet me?  The only answer I received was I should not be there.  I insisted, I was then told that my child needed me, that my partner needed me, that others needed me. But, I didn't care, I wanted to stay.  I told the voice I didn't care. My child, how could I not care I wanted to leave everything.  I was willing to leave my child without a mother.  I recoil at this thought ever since.  Anger came from the voice, I was awakened by a piercing scream in my bedroom.  My lover shaking me awake, my arms out stretched towards the ceiling, I then realized the scream was coming from me.  Since that moment "knowing" as I call it, I revisit this moment which its triggered by certain lights and headlights which seems to bring me back to that time.  It is vivid now as it was many years ago.  I did mention smell, the smell of something flowers but, not flowers something soft, comforting.  Words again. I was given two visions, two painting that I am to paint. For those of you that don't know me I am a fine artist.  I have done a sketch of one of these visions and put it away many years ago where it sits in my drawer tucked away.  I have not begun the final piece.  The second vision I have not touched, for some reason I falter, or deep inside push it to the back of my mind. I am not willing to touch this one yet.  One day I will know when it is time.  Just remember, I am not just a young women with RSD/CRPS1.  Everyday is a challenge and although I may shed a tear in the privacy of my room I smile at all the glory I have yet to experience.

Who Is Out There?

I look in the full length mirror and sigh.  Why do I sigh? Perhaps it's because when I look in the mirror I stare at my slumped right side of my body.  How odd.  I don't pity myself this is not what its about.  I don't actually know why I look in the mirror.  I was never a vain individual.  As a matter of fact I was once the ugly duckling.  Going through school I was very thin, pale and had very curly hair.  I was not in the popular group, one would say I was the nerd.  I didn't blend well with my peers because my English wasn't the best coming from another country and I was a easy target.  Life in my early years and through high school was a nightmare.  After I went to college I began to flourish.
No more click groups, no more pressure, just living and breathing art.  As my inspiration for art flowered so did I.  I was no longer the ugly duckling or that awkward little thin girl.  I had become a beautiful young lady that involved herself in anything and everything.  My art form enabled me to express myself and allowed me to meet many individuals whom shared the same interests.  As my life and looks changed so did those who wanted to be around me.  I became the individual who everyone wanted to be around.  It's funny really, all it took was for me bloom physically to put myself out there and my life changed.  As my successes became more in the public eye it seemed more friends (so called friends) surrounded me.  It felt wonderful of course, until truth be told I wanted to be left alone.  I was still that shy nerdy girl in the inside.  So why except me now.  I still didn't smoke, drink or party and was still a virgin.  I learned very quickly that we as people can be very shallow.  All that was required of me was to change dress attire add some makeup and there it was people took notice of me.  One thing that never changed was my passion for art.  So there it is  I am still that European woman with pale skin and dark brown eyes.  I have gotten older yet I have been found to be attractive by men and women.  I still live for art.  But, something has changed I am no longer surrounded by people for my beauty or my art.  I rather have one great friend then many false friends. I thank God for my RSD/CRPS1, I can't hate him for it.  I can't ask why? It just is.  What happen to me was my destiny.  I endure pain everyday and challenge myself.  I can honestly say that this injury has changed my life.  I now see through the eyes of the disabled and want to make a difference.  All it takes is a beginning to spread the word.  All we need is a helping hand not pity, just a friendly smile.  Disabled does not have to mean we are any different than anyone else.  Make a difference open a door for someone.  Has anyone noticed that not all doors are handicapped accessible ?  I for one have had to ask for help to get in or out of  store.  All we need is just a helping hand lets make a difference.  Smile tomorrow is not promised to anyone, live, laugh, love and have faith each other.

Where Have I Been?

Where have I been?  Oh my dearest bloggers it has been so long.  I have been to Hell and to HEAVEN.  I thank all those who have befriended me as well as thank those that have read my blog and have supported my emotional poetry of my RSD/CRPS1.  I apologize for the inconvenience that I may have caused to those who expected my blog to be updated on a regular bases.  However, in my search for my truth, I have come to realize that the truth has been in front of me all this time.  I have transformed and will continue to do so for without growth we are nothing.  In my journey of looking forward I have had to go backwards to rediscover myself.  I have taken the best parts of me that were, I then brought them forward towards the present and combined them with the best of me today.  Here I am today.  Who am I?  I am who I was meant to be.  Sounds complicated or perhaps lacking in explanation.  But, in truth its very simple.  I am more than just a girl with RSD/CRPS1, I have brought forward the spiritual sensitive individual that I have always been, as well as the artist that lives within me.  What is a spiritual sensitive? To put it simply,  I have always since at the age of seven been connected to what I call parallel world.  I know this sounds impossible, strange or of course unbelievable.  I am not here to convince anyone or debate the issue.  I am here to perhaps open minds of those whose minds are closed as well as give hope to those that are in search of Heaven as well as Hell.  Do I have physical proof ? Is there such a thing? Well, I guess to a certain point I do (which I will get into later).  Just keep in mind is there such a thing as coincidence?  When does it stop becoming a coincidence? Have I traveled to HEAVEN?  One word is all it takes, YES.  I am not speaking in times of  acts of my medication or my moments of severe pain, but in the days when RSD/CRPS1 had not entered the scene.  We are speaking many years ago.  Have I forgotten the experience? No.  I just didn't know what to do with it.  Have I spoken about? Yes.  To family.  Then there is Hell.  A topic all together different.  Where the things that slither in the dark come from,  where the dark masses form and take shape and whisper in your mind ( will discuss at a later point).
Art, the beauty that sings from within me. The song that leaps and dances with the Angels.  To become one with heart and soul where the two meet and kiss so sweetly.  To sail among the tallest trees and have your body smile so freely.  This is where I have been.  I am whole, the girl with RSD/CRPS1, Spiritually Sensitive and Artist.  I am here.  Welcome Home.

The sun shines bright upon my pale cheek.  No kisses to be given outside, the breeze rides on a chilled glistened carpet.  I sit in  my rocking chair that has comforted my children in the past, which now comforts me.  With every sway of my chair I smile from within which reflects on my outer self.  Well Hello, my Red Screamn Dragon let me bring you some peace.  Let us sit together and I shall comfort you.  Although those around you have no perception of your pain I can feel you.  Today I take you in my arms and cradle you, hush now.  The sun shines all so bright as the fire that burns inside of you.  Together we are embraced as one let us sit and see the day.  Engulfed together we are, I shall except you for you were given to me.  Child like you scream at me and rip my body to pieces, my mind straining to keep the patience that I seek.  Now, now my Dragon calm yourself down.  The children are in school all my attention is for you.

I have begun to research the topic if a Service Dog for my RSD/CRPS1.  At the moment I still am not able to really pursue this because of my living situation.  After my third surgery my family and I moved in with the my mother.  However, in the near future I will be purchasing a home once again.  Then I will be able to follow through with this goal.  Why the Service Dog well, as most of you know I LOVE that outdoors, but since my surgeries things have not progressed how I wanted them to.  I am very dependent of my husband and children.  I need to be able to go about my business with safety in mind and become somewhat independent.  Since  I am home alone I need to be able to go for walks in the woods (or just plain walking), shopping (can't carry my own bags, or getting to my wallet takes forever).  My husband and children are in agreement with me.  However, the rest of the family I dare not discuss the topic for fear of them not understanding.  So I take this time to make sure I research this very carefully and obtain the correct information I need.  If anyone has any advise please contact me.  Living with RSD/CRPS1

Patience is nurtured and can be found inside of us all.  I have patience for others and understanding, now it is time to have patience for myself.

Today the sun shines light upon us, its rays so deeply golden.  My pale alabaster skin smiles from its golden kiss.  Smile for today is glorious.  My eyes search among the trees to find the melody.  Sweet songs fill my ears bringing about the joy I want to hear.  My body stretches tall and thin wavering to its melody.  Thin and thinner I have become like sugar spun threads from an artist thumb.  My body of silver threads wisp away to the breeze.  Dancing diamonds glisten right through me.  I laugh and giggle with birds inside me. Oh how their feathers tickle me! Soft and subtle I can see the wings of those that surround me. Tip to tip they soar so close inviting me.  Excitement calls of glee ring through the breeze and we are free.  I sing so loud that my heart has broke!  They swarm towards my body thin and take pieces to their beaks.  Intensely they fly to the ground and bring the sugar pieces to be found.  Among the ground I remain until the red fire ants come to play.  With a nip and a tuck they rebuild fine sugar threads. Little soldiers that are at play.  What a beautiful day!  Living with RSD/CRPS 1.

Yes it has been awhile since my last entry.  Have been experiencing some difficulty with my RSD/CRPS1.  Perhaps is not the correct word.  I cannot and will not fight my condition or allow it to take hold of my inner Spirit.  Although the physical body may fall into weakness my Spirit cannot be denied.  These past several days I have been to the point of despair however, I continued my struggle and maintained my strength.  The onset of my extreme pain was caused do to Easter.  Some might be wondering how could Easter cause you Pain.  Well, its simple really.  I normally make works of Art for my family every year.  The past four years I have not completed a single piece.  Music, Poetry, and Art move my being.  So I decided to give it a try.  Should I say more.  I caused myself the onslaught of intense pain that it took me to higher ground.  With many tears of pain and desperation I continued and began weeping tears of joy and laughter for my soul still sings songs of joy, hope and love for others.  With these hands which have been given to me by my Lord my music flowed with harps of fingers gold.  With silver threads spun from Heaven my art began to form.  With every pearl that formed within my eyes droplets of Love began to fall.  Though I quake beneath the Burn of Pain and my mind begins to play its games I close my eyes and see that this is the way.  To those who endure pain no matter what the cause know this, there is beauty and hope we must just endure and have Faith.

From the beginning of my start with RSD/CRPS1.

As I stared at the Hearts of the Red, White and Blue servants I couldn't believe what sound of crazed clucking chickens we sounded like.  With utter confusion they fluttered, flopped and clucked in chaos.  The Princess knew better then to ask.  However, as the commotion grew so did the inferno clucking.  The Princess had the voice as sweet as rain upon Cherry Blossoms in the Spring.  The Princess sang her sweet song and requested a moments time, " My Hearts of the Red, White, and Blue who has clucked you in the head."  With a peep, and a cluck the response did come.  One of the Hearts opened her eyes as wide as can be and opened her thin lizard like lips.  "It came from the Night Owls did you not hear?  The Bobble Head Master is now endeared."  The Princess sweet puckered like lips went to a smile as she wondered which Sheep(prey).  The Princess composed herself and sang sweetly to her Hearts of which she was one.  " We must not cluck of things which come in the Dark for Heads may roll having loose lips."  The Hearts stared at the Princess and went to respond when without warning came the Blonde Headed Rat.  All Hearts turned and looked with surprise for they were almost caught with their underwear down.  One must be clever not to be caught when clucking of things that the Masters do in the dark.

For those that read, I write in code so those that harmed me may not know.  Will continue tomorrow.

I ponder my broken right side and have come to a conclusion that all is not lost.  For my Lord has granted me a new passage in Life that I must follow.  He has given me two legs, two arms, two hands and compassion for others that suffer many other injuries.  My Red Screamn Dragon must not and cannot be who I have become.  He has given me this new window with purpose.  Although it is said that RSD/CRPS1 causes as much pain as those with cancer, I must be strong of mind and will.  For I only suffer from this injury those with cancer have a mortal battle.  My father has passed since my third surgery do to cancer a little over a year ago and not once did he complain.  He took his disease with the strength of a Super Hero not once giving up.  His statement of the morning was that "Everyday is a good day."  Words to live by.  I believe my father new he was dying but kept it from me until the end.  He new of my pain and he gave me strength, at times I laid by his side with his pain in my hand and mine in his.  Yes, everyday is a good day.  I must wear my badge and not complain but, smile for my Lord has chosen my path.  To behold the beauty that all his children are given, to understand that we are all different.  But, we all must remember no task is ever  a burden for we must decide if we will be weak or strong.  Like my Super Hero I choose to be Strong.  For those who suffer from any form of discomfort whether physical, mental or emotional be Strong.

Monday what a Glorious Day!  It's FREEZING!  Not good whether for my generator implant, it makes me very stiff like I need to be oiled like a machine Ha Ha Ha..  Anyway,  I went to see the Healer (Neuropsychologist) of wounds on Friday.  For those wondering what a Neuropsychologist is its the study of how the brain and nervous system affect how we function on a daily basis.  What a mouth full. 

Friday morning my husband and I set out at six in the morning Blah!  I didn't take my Magic Beans do to the fact that I would never be able to get up on time.  With flip and a flop I lunged myself up out of bed.  I headed down the incredible  hall of steps.  I went for the coffee pot and poured myself and my Love (bunches of Grapes) that's my Loves nickname a nice hot cup of Liquid comfort. I headed back up through the Hall of steps doing a balancing act. Plip, plop oh my the spots.  Oh well.  I sat in front of my Magic Mirror and propped  my elbow up on the stool and began to put my best face on.  When all was well we set out for my new appt.  Through out the drive I couldn't stop blabbering I guess my nervous had the best of me.  The closer I got I began to wonder what was a Neuropsychologist?  I guess I should have looked it up first, I knew it had to do with the brain and misfire of pain sensors in the brain do to physical injury.  To make  a long story short if there is ever such a thing with me!  I waited in the  waiting room only few minutes and the Healer came out and called us in.  He was tall, lean and had a full head of white snow upon his head which was collar length.  I sat down and he tried to make us feel comfortable.  He began with cracking jokes and doing a lot of smiling to break the ice.  Then it came the dreaded questions.  It began first with the injury to what parts, what kind of individual was I before my injury and how was I coping now.  The Healer stared at me and held my gaze.  I began to describe myself and he began to listen his face leaned in with interest.  As I spoke he began to ask me personal questions on how I view myself.  Need I say it all went to hell from there, tears began to flow without me knowing.  I remember stating I worried about others and not being a burden to them.  I cannot go into to much detail about the conversation at this time not because I don't want to open up.  But, because it is still to raw of a feeling which I want to distance myself from at this point until I can be logical and not emotional.  Remember I promised to make it short.

Jump into the bunny hole and follow me I will take you to a place where we can be happy for you and happy for me.  The Jolly Green Giant has placed a seed between my broken wing.  The seed grows from within what will it be?

Red Screamn Dragon(RSD) begins to sing to me for now I must go and see you in my dreams.

Red Sreamn Dragon you come to me with a tear stained face.  Your eyes call out to me and plea with a song of sadness.  Your normally explosive self retreats among the blackened clouds with a cry of ballots sung.  I hear you sing with anguish Love, but I must not falter for a Hearts song.  Upon my breast his tears have fallen.  With awakening pain my heart begins sway.  His burning wings betray his soul and engulfs his desire in a fire storm.  I have given you a kiss which will stay with you for the day.  I cannot feel you from above the blackened cloud in which you stay.  I must ready myself for tomorrows pain.  Among strangers I will be with my Love to hold my hand.   I will sit upon a thrown of thorns for this man to see.  He will come to me in jacket and shirt as healer he will be.  My mind will swirl with much commotion oh please help me.  As he speaks to me he will peel away to my core leaving my flesh exposed.  Bare is not the place to be exposed to the onslaught  of what he will see.  How many, many more do I have to see I'm tired of all these things that are to be.  I will sit and stay like a good puppy should be but hopefully I won't pee.  Yes, scared am I can't you see?  I hope my mask of the beast won't appear.  I will gather strength from someone dear.  But, will they allow him to be near.  Stripped of all my walls and defenses  bare my self is what he wants to see why me?  This is all to much for me.  For now I watch thee from here, but no tears to shed have for thee.  My poor Screamn Dragon(RSD).

Magic Bean, magic bean where have you been.  I fly so high above the sky with colors all around I bring myself so high.  Come with me and I will bring you to place where it all begins a tale of a young lady that was a Princess.  Rest your head upon a cloud and let me sing you my song.  Close your eyes and you will see the wrinkle in time.  She came from a place where it was Red, White and Blue and the letters upon her house raised high upon its' roof.  She wore her badge upon her breast and believed in every word it said.  She placed her foot upon the portal and with a swirl and a whirl she was guided through the gates of the house with letters raised high upon its' roof .  So proudly she walked within the palace to the Golden Room within the house to drink some magical potion.  She finds herself soothed and calmed from the hot caramel potion warming her Good morning body.  With a click and clatter of her tiptoeing pattern she make her way to the Hallway of Numbers.  As she sees' the Skunk Headed Rat she smiles and says" Good morning."  Then with a pull of her Badge she flashes it fast and she is ringed in for the moment.  The Princess pulls open the door and flashes a smile to all the poor servants.  She greets them all not favoring one for we are the Hearts of the Red, White, and Blue with letters raised high upon its' roof.

For tonight my story ends my Red Screamn Dragon is knocking on my door.  His kiss burns upon my pale white skin and I cannot resist his kiss.  My body aches for a moment of peace so to bed I must go and rest.  Magic Bean, magic bean I must resist I don't want to take thee.  Little bean of yellow and black why won't you help me?  Magic Bean in golden yellow I must resist thee.  I will float away to a place within my home and have my Lord guide me.  There is always comfort in Thee.  Good Night.

I sit and stare at my painting.   It has taken me a year to finish this self portrait.  Not because I lost my love of the art. Not because of  lack of  inspiration.  I have mixed emotions of this accomplishment.  A year, how sad.  I lost mobility of my right upper extremity a couple of years ago and it has progressed do to my RSD.  Although I have a nuero-stimulator implant to help with my daunting pain
it does not give me mobility nor do the drugs.  I have always painted.  Painting for me was like breathing air it gave me such joy.  What has taken me a year to complete would have taken me about three days before my injury.  What has inspired me to continue this challenge?  I must say it was my incredible pain that I must endure.  To many times have I put down my pencil, my paint brush and embarrassed as I am have ripped my drawings from anger.  My biggest problem my right hand can't always feel the pencil or paint brush, my arm cannot mechanically move correctly and my neck cannot look down or up for period of time.  I propped myself up in bed and supported my head, I then positioned my board between my body so that my arm would be able to move according to my range of motion I then rubber banded the pencil as well as my paint brush to my hand.  Why rubber band the pencil or paint brush?  The reason for this is so I wouldn't keep dropping it.  However, with this technique it also cause more pain to my extremities.  RSD also causes pain to touch as well as temperature change.  I became desperate many times and had to stop and take Magic Beans (meds) and lay down and hope for the storm to pass.  I hope that through my painting one can feel my emotional state, to feel not see, to look inside and see the beauty which was given to me.  I guess or should I say I know all things are possible.