Arm,Hip, and Legs Are Gifts Given To You

I woke up this morning to an incredible pain going down from my lower hips to my pelvic area and down my right leg.  My mind not all together there wondered what is this?  I stirred for while wondering if I was caught in some kind of dream, until I realized I was awake.  I pulled myself out of bed and looked at my partner laying beside my warm sheets.  I stared at him through wet puffy eyes, I wanted to wake him to let him know that I was hurting, within one split second I changed my mind.  Why disturb him?  Pain nothing new there.  It's a moment of weakness, to want to be cuddled.  I gently slip down off my bed feeling as if my pelvic area and right leg where going to burst into flames.  I slip downstairs and head for my refuge and nice cup of hot coffee.  I battle the urge to go sit and complete my task.  I take a deep sigh and walk back upstairs.  My mother who I live with for now begins to talk to me oblivious of my condition, I continue towards the stairs gripping the railing with the only thought of my soft cozy chair.  I guide myself through the hallway and see my prize I head towards her and slump into it's arms.  God help me.  I think to myself and I thank him.  He has helped me I am here.  I made it out of bed and into the arms of my soft retreat.  You say this isn't much?  I have a different opinion. My Lord has always been there.  Yes, it's true.  I go back in mind and recall the moment when I first met him, met my Father.  I lay my head back against the soft plush comfort of prize and melt away into that moment in time.  I was going through a stressful time period in my life. To put it short and sweet my life has not been easy.  I've been a soul that has made mistakes as well as someone who gives to much of themselves.  So be as it may it is what it is.  I remember or shall I say feel, smell and see my memory.  My body felt so light as I pulled away from the shell that lay in comfort between the sheets of the bed.  I looked down and could see my lover laying still asleep.  I began floating upwards ever so softly having the sense or perhaps the feel that I was wearing a soft, white flowing gown of some type.  I could feel it around my legs as I glided upwards towards a parting in the sky or should I say the heavens.  I can only describe the heavens or the beginning of Heaven as the moment when a thunderstorm is about to begin and there is a break of light within the immense darkness that forms a peek hole of sorts that looks like a beginning of a tunnel.  I know you probably think its so cliché.  But, remember one thing I have nothing to gain from this.  I am willing to take ridicule and put myself  out there.  That I write the truth is what matters and only that.  Remember, when I came back to my blog I had written I brought the best parts of me to the present.  Which means, well take it as you think.  Let me go on.  I felt guided   towards the white tunnel, no that's not right it was more like a whitish bluish piercing light that radiated and brought me inward.  As I glided inward into the light there were people to the right and the left of me.  I could see and at the same time I could feel them, some kind of energy warmth.  Although I could see my vision was as if seeing through a bluish white light, almost dreamy like, as if in soft fog, cloud.  Words can't explain it or feel it.  Wait.  Word.  I have just awaken out of thought.  Someone mentioned "The Word" a title of a movie to me. Is it coincidence that I am writing this today?  I'll ponder this later.  Let's go back.  I felt fingers touching me, moving me along the tunnel.  I was searching out for faces, faces of those past someone I would recognize I knew where I was.  The light warmed my body, my flowing gown.  No one was there.  I proceeded in the light and asked within my  mind "where is my grandmother?" no one answered.  Once again I called out and this time a voice came to me.  The Voice, deep, clear and strong.  Then I knew, it was my God.  I searched for his face but not see one.  I felt his voice, his warmth, his strength all around me.  I was so calm, safe, warm wanting to be with him.  Words not good enough.  I felt light, content, peaceful.  He told me that it was not time, I should not be there.  I asked him why was no  one hear to greet me?  The only answer I received was I should not be there.  I insisted, I was then told that my child needed me, that my partner needed me, that others needed me. But, I didn't care, I wanted to stay.  I told the voice I didn't care. My child, how could I not care I wanted to leave everything.  I was willing to leave my child without a mother.  I recoil at this thought ever since.  Anger came from the voice, I was awakened by a piercing scream in my bedroom.  My lover shaking me awake, my arms out stretched towards the ceiling, I then realized the scream was coming from me.  Since that moment "knowing" as I call it, I revisit this moment which its triggered by certain lights and headlights which seems to bring me back to that time.  It is vivid now as it was many years ago.  I did mention smell, the smell of something flowers but, not flowers something soft, comforting.  Words again. I was given two visions, two painting that I am to paint. For those of you that don't know me I am a fine artist.  I have done a sketch of one of these visions and put it away many years ago where it sits in my drawer tucked away.  I have not begun the final piece.  The second vision I have not touched, for some reason I falter, or deep inside push it to the back of my mind. I am not willing to touch this one yet.  One day I will know when it is time.  Just remember, I am not just a young women with RSD/CRPS1.  Everyday is a challenge and although I may shed a tear in the privacy of my room I smile at all the glory I have yet to experience.