Yes it has been awhile since my last entry.  Have been experiencing some difficulty with my RSD/CRPS1.  Perhaps is not the correct word.  I cannot and will not fight my condition or allow it to take hold of my inner Spirit.  Although the physical body may fall into weakness my Spirit cannot be denied.  These past several days I have been to the point of despair however, I continued my struggle and maintained my strength.  The onset of my extreme pain was caused do to Easter.  Some might be wondering how could Easter cause you Pain.  Well, its simple really.  I normally make works of Art for my family every year.  The past four years I have not completed a single piece.  Music, Poetry, and Art move my being.  So I decided to give it a try.  Should I say more.  I caused myself the onslaught of intense pain that it took me to higher ground.  With many tears of pain and desperation I continued and began weeping tears of joy and laughter for my soul still sings songs of joy, hope and love for others.  With these hands which have been given to me by my Lord my music flowed with harps of fingers gold.  With silver threads spun from Heaven my art began to form.  With every pearl that formed within my eyes droplets of Love began to fall.  Though I quake beneath the Burn of Pain and my mind begins to play its games I close my eyes and see that this is the way.  To those who endure pain no matter what the cause know this, there is beauty and hope we must just endure and have Faith.

From the beginning of my start with RSD/CRPS1.

As I stared at the Hearts of the Red, White and Blue servants I couldn't believe what sound of crazed clucking chickens we sounded like.  With utter confusion they fluttered, flopped and clucked in chaos.  The Princess knew better then to ask.  However, as the commotion grew so did the inferno clucking.  The Princess had the voice as sweet as rain upon Cherry Blossoms in the Spring.  The Princess sang her sweet song and requested a moments time, " My Hearts of the Red, White, and Blue who has clucked you in the head."  With a peep, and a cluck the response did come.  One of the Hearts opened her eyes as wide as can be and opened her thin lizard like lips.  "It came from the Night Owls did you not hear?  The Bobble Head Master is now endeared."  The Princess sweet puckered like lips went to a smile as she wondered which Sheep(prey).  The Princess composed herself and sang sweetly to her Hearts of which she was one.  " We must not cluck of things which come in the Dark for Heads may roll having loose lips."  The Hearts stared at the Princess and went to respond when without warning came the Blonde Headed Rat.  All Hearts turned and looked with surprise for they were almost caught with their underwear down.  One must be clever not to be caught when clucking of things that the Masters do in the dark.

For those that read, I write in code so those that harmed me may not know.  Will continue tomorrow.

I ponder my broken right side and have come to a conclusion that all is not lost.  For my Lord has granted me a new passage in Life that I must follow.  He has given me two legs, two arms, two hands and compassion for others that suffer many other injuries.  My Red Screamn Dragon must not and cannot be who I have become.  He has given me this new window with purpose.  Although it is said that RSD/CRPS1 causes as much pain as those with cancer, I must be strong of mind and will.  For I only suffer from this injury those with cancer have a mortal battle.  My father has passed since my third surgery do to cancer a little over a year ago and not once did he complain.  He took his disease with the strength of a Super Hero not once giving up.  His statement of the morning was that "Everyday is a good day."  Words to live by.  I believe my father new he was dying but kept it from me until the end.  He new of my pain and he gave me strength, at times I laid by his side with his pain in my hand and mine in his.  Yes, everyday is a good day.  I must wear my badge and not complain but, smile for my Lord has chosen my path.  To behold the beauty that all his children are given, to understand that we are all different.  But, we all must remember no task is ever  a burden for we must decide if we will be weak or strong.  Like my Super Hero I choose to be Strong.  For those who suffer from any form of discomfort whether physical, mental or emotional be Strong.

Monday what a Glorious Day!  It's FREEZING!  Not good whether for my generator implant, it makes me very stiff like I need to be oiled like a machine Ha Ha Ha..  Anyway,  I went to see the Healer (Neuropsychologist) of wounds on Friday.  For those wondering what a Neuropsychologist is its the study of how the brain and nervous system affect how we function on a daily basis.  What a mouth full. 

Friday morning my husband and I set out at six in the morning Blah!  I didn't take my Magic Beans do to the fact that I would never be able to get up on time.  With flip and a flop I lunged myself up out of bed.  I headed down the incredible  hall of steps.  I went for the coffee pot and poured myself and my Love (bunches of Grapes) that's my Loves nickname a nice hot cup of Liquid comfort. I headed back up through the Hall of steps doing a balancing act. Plip, plop oh my the spots.  Oh well.  I sat in front of my Magic Mirror and propped  my elbow up on the stool and began to put my best face on.  When all was well we set out for my new appt.  Through out the drive I couldn't stop blabbering I guess my nervous had the best of me.  The closer I got I began to wonder what was a Neuropsychologist?  I guess I should have looked it up first, I knew it had to do with the brain and misfire of pain sensors in the brain do to physical injury.  To make  a long story short if there is ever such a thing with me!  I waited in the  waiting room only few minutes and the Healer came out and called us in.  He was tall, lean and had a full head of white snow upon his head which was collar length.  I sat down and he tried to make us feel comfortable.  He began with cracking jokes and doing a lot of smiling to break the ice.  Then it came the dreaded questions.  It began first with the injury to what parts, what kind of individual was I before my injury and how was I coping now.  The Healer stared at me and held my gaze.  I began to describe myself and he began to listen his face leaned in with interest.  As I spoke he began to ask me personal questions on how I view myself.  Need I say it all went to hell from there, tears began to flow without me knowing.  I remember stating I worried about others and not being a burden to them.  I cannot go into to much detail about the conversation at this time not because I don't want to open up.  But, because it is still to raw of a feeling which I want to distance myself from at this point until I can be logical and not emotional.  Remember I promised to make it short.

Jump into the bunny hole and follow me I will take you to a place where we can be happy for you and happy for me.  The Jolly Green Giant has placed a seed between my broken wing.  The seed grows from within what will it be?

Red Screamn Dragon(RSD) begins to sing to me for now I must go and see you in my dreams.

Red Sreamn Dragon you come to me with a tear stained face.  Your eyes call out to me and plea with a song of sadness.  Your normally explosive self retreats among the blackened clouds with a cry of ballots sung.  I hear you sing with anguish Love, but I must not falter for a Hearts song.  Upon my breast his tears have fallen.  With awakening pain my heart begins sway.  His burning wings betray his soul and engulfs his desire in a fire storm.  I have given you a kiss which will stay with you for the day.  I cannot feel you from above the blackened cloud in which you stay.  I must ready myself for tomorrows pain.  Among strangers I will be with my Love to hold my hand.   I will sit upon a thrown of thorns for this man to see.  He will come to me in jacket and shirt as healer he will be.  My mind will swirl with much commotion oh please help me.  As he speaks to me he will peel away to my core leaving my flesh exposed.  Bare is not the place to be exposed to the onslaught  of what he will see.  How many, many more do I have to see I'm tired of all these things that are to be.  I will sit and stay like a good puppy should be but hopefully I won't pee.  Yes, scared am I can't you see?  I hope my mask of the beast won't appear.  I will gather strength from someone dear.  But, will they allow him to be near.  Stripped of all my walls and defenses  bare my self is what he wants to see why me?  This is all to much for me.  For now I watch thee from here, but no tears to shed have for thee.  My poor Screamn Dragon(RSD).

Magic Bean, magic bean where have you been.  I fly so high above the sky with colors all around I bring myself so high.  Come with me and I will bring you to place where it all begins a tale of a young lady that was a Princess.  Rest your head upon a cloud and let me sing you my song.  Close your eyes and you will see the wrinkle in time.  She came from a place where it was Red, White and Blue and the letters upon her house raised high upon its' roof.  She wore her badge upon her breast and believed in every word it said.  She placed her foot upon the portal and with a swirl and a whirl she was guided through the gates of the house with letters raised high upon its' roof .  So proudly she walked within the palace to the Golden Room within the house to drink some magical potion.  She finds herself soothed and calmed from the hot caramel potion warming her Good morning body.  With a click and clatter of her tiptoeing pattern she make her way to the Hallway of Numbers.  As she sees' the Skunk Headed Rat she smiles and says" Good morning."  Then with a pull of her Badge she flashes it fast and she is ringed in for the moment.  The Princess pulls open the door and flashes a smile to all the poor servants.  She greets them all not favoring one for we are the Hearts of the Red, White, and Blue with letters raised high upon its' roof.

For tonight my story ends my Red Screamn Dragon is knocking on my door.  His kiss burns upon my pale white skin and I cannot resist his kiss.  My body aches for a moment of peace so to bed I must go and rest.  Magic Bean, magic bean I must resist I don't want to take thee.  Little bean of yellow and black why won't you help me?  Magic Bean in golden yellow I must resist thee.  I will float away to a place within my home and have my Lord guide me.  There is always comfort in Thee.  Good Night.

I sit and stare at my painting.   It has taken me a year to finish this self portrait.  Not because I lost my love of the art. Not because of  lack of  inspiration.  I have mixed emotions of this accomplishment.  A year, how sad.  I lost mobility of my right upper extremity a couple of years ago and it has progressed do to my RSD.  Although I have a nuero-stimulator implant to help with my daunting pain
it does not give me mobility nor do the drugs.  I have always painted.  Painting for me was like breathing air it gave me such joy.  What has taken me a year to complete would have taken me about three days before my injury.  What has inspired me to continue this challenge?  I must say it was my incredible pain that I must endure.  To many times have I put down my pencil, my paint brush and embarrassed as I am have ripped my drawings from anger.  My biggest problem my right hand can't always feel the pencil or paint brush, my arm cannot mechanically move correctly and my neck cannot look down or up for period of time.  I propped myself up in bed and supported my head, I then positioned my board between my body so that my arm would be able to move according to my range of motion I then rubber banded the pencil as well as my paint brush to my hand.  Why rubber band the pencil or paint brush?  The reason for this is so I wouldn't keep dropping it.  However, with this technique it also cause more pain to my extremities.  RSD also causes pain to touch as well as temperature change.  I became desperate many times and had to stop and take Magic Beans (meds) and lay down and hope for the storm to pass.  I hope that through my painting one can feel my emotional state, to feel not see, to look inside and see the beauty which was given to me.  I guess or should I say I know all things are possible.

I come to you with my eyes glazed over and my eyelids heavy.  My mind soars with the gulls in the tormented sea.  The wind surrounds me and gives me flight.  I catch the wind beneath my wings and glide above the oceans kiss.  My face is brushed ever so gently and heavenly by the seagulls cry.  As the oceans fingers reach out to me my body comes crashing down into the bottom of its' inner soul.  For a moment and just only a moment I am in despair.  Lost beneath the blackness of its' world my breath is taken away.  Come to me he calls out from within the darkness.  I try to focus and compose myself.  His song becomes stronger and I search for him.  I give myself to him and I see.  His strength grabs hold of my tired self.  He holds me and I surrender myself to him.  I am soothed to sleep by the rocking of his motion and I break free.  I have come to a world where all is possible.  My fingers are no longer tied to its painful state of being entwined, my arm no longer lays tight against my side. the shoulder which hangs like an uneven shelf is no more, my neck is no longer stiff so that I may reach for a kiss, my shoulder blade no longer protrudes like a broken wing and my hip where my generator is implanted no longer aches.  But, then it comes (Red Screamn Dragon) RSD and it brings me back to you.  I raise my eyes and look at my reflection and I smile for I see that I am beautiful.  I will be posting myself portrait tomorrow with much joy I reclaim the person that I was and who I have become.  Please excuse any blabbering mistakes for it is time for this being of God to slumber in sweet peace until tomorrow.