I search among the skies flying as high as my soul will carry me.  But, still I am trapped within my pain.  The Red Screamn Dragon (RSD) has captured me.  I scream from within but no one can hear me.  I cry in silence as my tears roll down my face burning me.  Caged within these four walls  my body shakes and no one can see me.  Caged within these four walls no one can hear me.  To be hidden, to be isolated from others causes me desperation.  But, I must be strong no one must see.  Those who surround must not suffer my state of mind at the moment.  My pain screams through my body as a snake squeezes its' prey.  My lips are silent and I scream from within.  To be normal once again.  What does that mean?  With my affliction I have learned to see the joy in the smallest detail of life.  There those that just can't understand or perhaps it is easier for them ignore my challenge.  However,  when my (RSD) is flared up without control where is the compassion that I seek.  A moment of sweetness as a humming bird drinks from its favorite flower.  Kindness, a moment to speak to me, to help me along.  Pick me up for I have fallen and my knees' have betrayed me.  The strength has been taken away from me, won't you just hold me for a moment.  Lips quiver and I am alone just me and my Red Screamn Dragon.  Don't be embarrassed by me.  For those of you that only see the mask that I wear I pity you.  Although you miss judge my appearance ( 115 pounds, 5ft1, and love fashion, and makeup) its all fake.  If you would get to know me you would know I love nature, I love my sweats,  I love fishing, I love art and most of all I love to be touched).  Most people take for granted the touch of another human being. To feel an embrace without cringing from pain.  To have my hand held without pain.  To mingle with others but, at the same time fearing that someone might reach out to my afflicted part of my body.  To be guarded takes away energy.  For those that seem to be bothered by me I ask no help I ask for understanding perhaps even some affection and support.  Perhaps you don't know how to give.  But, you give your compassion to total strangers.  Could it be you hide yourself from me?  Why do I write in this blog?  I write to be heard even if its from strangers, just maybe someone may have kind word to say, or maybe they will just listen.  What has caused such a disturbance from my (RSD) ?  MY challenge, my love of art to express myself.  I have begun myself portrait but, the root of my despair is the holding of a simple paint brush between my fingers.  My paint brush use to be an extension of myself, now its a trigger of self torture.  For the art of love I will continue, tears will stain my canvas but, it is Myself Portrait.

As I sit here at my desk drinking my hot tea I smile at myself.  It's been a couple days since I have written on my blog page.  Do you wonder why?  Well I hope you do.  I have taken some days off so that I could actually work on some art work.  Yes, me.  I knew that if I didn't take time off from jabbing at these keys I wouldn't be able to hold my pencil.  Anyway,  I have started a self portrait of myself.  Don't laugh now.  I figure if I didn't  make a portrait of myself no one else would.  "How was I able to draw you ask?"  I turned on my implant took some Magic Beans and let them do their Magic.  As I walked through the fog induced  semi-sleep I slowly set myself up in my bed.  I took my wedge which is what I use to sleep on and stacked three huge pillows on top of it.  I then took a poster board which is half the size of my body and taped my watercolor paper on to it.  I guess you can say that I am petite or as I been told follow the Yellow Brick Road (from the Wizard of Oz) short.  I then took another pillow and set it up under my right arm for support.  When I was sitting up in bed I placed the poster board on my lap and wedged it between my mid-section and my knees'.  After I long battle with my Red Screamn Dragon (RSD) I have managed to at least draw my face.  I have been working on this self portrait for two weeks.  It was very emotionally frustrating, do to the fact my right hand has lost some feel to it and I can't move my arm mechanically correct.  I have not  finished my creation yet.  But, I will.  I have drawn myself in a abstract form.  "Why abstract?" you say.  Easy,  I decided that since I see things in a much different manner then most It is the best way I could express myself.  My goal is  to paint it in watercolor  and add gold leaf to it.  I want it to be rich and bright in colors with a depth of emotion.  My dilemma  is how am I going to paint.  My thought is to cut a paint brush in half and perhaps tape it to my index finger as an extension of myself, or perhaps tape the paint brush between my thumb and index finger so it does not keep falling out of my grip.  I guess I will document this when the challenge comes.  I am posting the beginning of myself portrait and hope to show you more the next time we talk.  I must leave you now for I know the onset of my blabbering is going to begin do to my Magic Beans which are taking effect this evening.  My Red Screamn Dragon has been sedated and so have I.  I am losing ground my body is beginning  to sway in my chair and my mind is trapped from within me.  My thoughts begin to become dream like. Alice in Wonderland chasing after the White Rabbit down the bunny hole.  Where am I going?  What time is it? I'm late, very, very late. I have a date with Mr. Sandman.  With eyes open I stare up at the ceiling and my mind grows a pair of wings and takes off to Never Land.  "Hello Peter".

His flapping wings circle above as ocean of pearls streak down the pale canvas which the Lord has given her.  Her body writhing under the punishment which he has brought to her.  His talons embedding itself within her flesh tearing the muscles apart as if made from paper.  A howl of pain rises from within her as she curls in a fetal position against the wall.  Nails clawing grasping for air for someone to keep her from drowning in despair.  Her Red Screamn Dragon (RSD) has taken possession of her body.  She has lost her mind in the moment of despair has let the Dragon in.  Engulfed by her affliction she can hear at distance a voice calling out to her.  Through the fire she raises her head and takes comfort within the voice.  Her lips part and the howls now become a smirk, a grin, and then with a shutter a slight smile.  As her body goes limp against the pillow of clouds which cradle her, her weak eyes turn towards the Heavens and she  disappears.  Magic Bean, Magic Bean (meds.) where have you been?  I have taken you more then an hour ago today.  The voice comes to me and pleads for me to take another.  Her mouth quivers and struggles to stay sane.  No.  I will not, I cannot, take more Magic Beans today.  In the fog her head begins to pound and her ears begin to ache.  Oh Lord help me.  I know your busy and I must be strong.  Live Life for today not for the pain.  Help those that need you more I will be strong.  From the corner of my swollen eyes I see  shadows begin to dance.  My Gift which he has given me brings the symphony  to my ears and my soul begins to Dance.  Rise higher the music sings to me, soar with the Angels and sway to their tune and all will be well.  See with your Spirit, feel with your Spirit, for the flesh is week but not our Soul.  As her body rises above the physical her Demons have been slayed.  I cannot write any longer my hand has weakened and I am bed ridden at the moment but, I will prevail this evenings attack.  Remember live in the now, not in the past, not in the future and smile.  For if you smile others will smile with you.

Can you say anything is possible?  I say all things are possible.  I wrestled with the magic box (my mind)  the turmoil between going outside in the blanket of white snow.  It called to me in someway  I don't know if it was taunting me, mocking me knowing my affliction (RSD whom I lovingly named my Red Screamn Dragon).  The beauty of its newly fallen kiss upon the saddened bristled grass was  received so sweetly.  My soul rang through the trees singing the glory of the life which I had wished for.  Snow, beautiful, a gift from nature which brings light through the grey days of winter.  I look through my stained glass windows of my prison.  My body stiffened and tenses at the thought of venturing into it.  The tension so tight my body begins to ache.  Red Screamn Dragon begins to fill my magic box with doubt.  "How will you make it down the ice kissed steps?" it hisses.  I shake at the thought of one miss step which could cause a fall.  A fall would mean my generator which is inserted in the right side of hip would undoubted move or worse break causing a possible inward fire.  It speaks again " Its cold your body will become stiff and I will cause you pain."  mockingly he digs his talons into my arm and shoulder blade.  I gasp and lower my head.  The blanket of white calls to me.  Its whispers in my ear. "Come to me and we will play."  To play to be carefree, to not worry about movements which to others are normal.  I take the advise that someone gave me. " Its your life live it."  Well here I go.  My Bucket List, Snow Angel.  Yep, I want to make a Snow Angel.  I know it sounds so simple.  But, only one problem getting back up.  Yes, that's my problem.  I'll figure it out.  Lets go outside.  I went outside with my sweat pants and jacket.  Can't wear a coat to heavy I would be walking around like some over stuffed polar bear.  I ventured out and breathed in the chilling air.  It was exuberant.  I giggled I made it outside on my own.  I hike through the snow with my Staff (cane).  I find the perfect spot and then I stop.  This is it I tell myself get down.  I take a deep breath and lower myself to the blanket.  I bring my head down to my chest and lay down.  I extend my arms out and close my eyes.  The sounds of the birds take me away the touch of the blanket felt cold yet, somehow comforting.  Strange my body became relaxed and weak.  The longer I laid upon the ground the more I felt like I was becoming part of the blanket.  Then from somewhere I could here my Love saying "get up."  But, I could not.  I did not want to.  Again his voice piercing "GET UP!"  I want to but, I can't move.  My implant at the base of neck which is connected to my spine seemed frozen.  I just laid there and then I felt my body being lifted.  I did it.  I had made my Snow Angel.  I did it.  I stare at it from a distance and feel proud.  She is not a perfect Angel but never the less it's My Angel.  All is possible thank you. 

Red Screamn Dragon seeks peace.  I fly so high were no man can see.  I glide through the Heavens feeling the breeze.  Come follow me those with broken wings.  I feel the wind caressing me.  With smells of roses overhead I fly higher and higher above the sea.  My Father calls out to me.  Yet I cannot see.  With closed eyes and heart open I inhale the floral smells.  My self rises above the galaxy.  With bolts of bluish lights my mind is set free and I can see.  I look below and who do I see?  I see Red Screamn Dragon sleeping with me.  For a moment and just for a moments time Dragon and I were one sleeping in peace just with me.

Tonight I sit and rock in my rocking chair.  Brings a smile to my strained face.  I'm not a grandmother nor am I older person but, when I rock in my chair I think how relaxing, how enjoyable this is.  You must excuse me I have taken my Magic Beans this evening and have had to redo my blog which I had begun typing do to my lack of focus.  Since I was diagnosed with RSD/Causalgia and Plexopathy
I have begun a Bucket List.  I have no clue what Bucket List stands for but I have begun this so called list.  I ask my one and only Love what does this stand for but, he has no clue.  Maybe someone out there will let me know.  I rock and rock feeling the chair beneath me swaying me away or could it be the effect of the Beans which have finally begun to seduce my brain.  Am I rocking in my chair?  Hm.  I look down and nope its not the chair rocking its me.  Funny how one can get lost in  their mind.  Anyway, I'm rambling.  Bucket list, never mind about my bucket list for now I'm losing ground here with these beans.  Red Screamn Dragon (RSD) has come to meet me this evening he's angry about my typing.  Well, it's really not typing but more like jabbing at the keys do to the grasping talons of my RSD.  Before I forget again bucket list.  I just remembered I'm going to begin a painting. Yes, a painting.  Of what?  I don't know yet.  But, I will.  I have not painted in so long, I haven't felt a paint brush between my fingers in so long.  It's a God given gift my painting, no lessons needed.  The feel of passion, emotions which come from within to become one with paper is like being in Love.  I hope to take you on this ride with me as I begin my painting by documenting my progress through photos.  I feel myself leaving this world the Red Screamn Dragon has come down from its unearthly realm.  My mind begins to faultier along with this physical body of mine.  His talons begin to wrap itself around my petit frame.  The pain begins to squeeze and burn its way deeply within me.  I can no longer jab at these keys for my only good hand is fumbling and misspelling every other word.  All is good for now my mind has reached its plateau and my dreams or beginning to come to life as my eyes begin to close.  What are dreams if not a place of sanctuary. But, we must remember only we can make our dreams come true. Don't wait for Life to make it happen.  We must live our dreams so that they can become a Reality and not just a moment spent within ourselves but shared with others.